Well, it’s been quite a week: First, we closed our old Voice office, having managed in the end to sell or give away our fine assortment of 1990s office furniture. Then April 1 showed up, as it tends to do fairly regularly at the end of March, which meant that our once-a-year-contributor, April Fuelles, was on deck with her annual “news” story. Then our longtime columnist Larry Cote, who has been undergoing cancer treatment, announced his retirement. Then proceedings in the sex assault case against Fonthill butcher Richard Lowes was (the term “unbelievably” has lost all meaning by now) deferred for yet another time—#46, in fact. Then yesterday a transformer failed and caught fire at the MCC, knocking out power and knocking out this year’s Kinsmen Home and Garden Show, which is a real disappointment. And now, with just three days to go until You-Know-What, we look to the weather forecasters to tell us whether the skies on Monday will reveal a spectacular sight that shall live in our memories forever, or a cloudy 10 minutes of darkness in the middle of the afternoon that confuses birds and squirrels and Amazon delivery drivers and disappoints a couple of hundred thousand tourists even now flocking to Niagara.
Incidentally, related to that transformer fire yesterday, it turns out that the MCC's electrical distribution system was not designed to accommodate backup power through the entire building. What the...? According to the Town, only the gyms, cafeteria, and staff offices are capable of being powered by a backup generator, which sure seems like yet another design shortcoming in and around the $40-million-plus facility.
Fool me once: But back to April Fuelles and her April 1 story. As of this writing, it sits just north of 17,500 views and counting. That’s possibly a new record for Ms. Fuelles, although her 2017 story about a third pad coming to the still-under-construction MCC was also a hit. (The additional pad wasn’t for ice, but for launching rockets, in partnership with Elon Musk’s SpaceX.) Her 2021 story also did well, about Pelham’s finances being rescued by a huge black market shipment of toilet paper—44 million rolls, stored at the old Haist Arena—which were then sold to the public at a generous profit during the early days of the pandemic.
The first clue that these stories, which are published on April Fools Day written by a writer named “April Fuelles,” are satirical and not serious is that they are published on April Fools Day and written by a writer named April Fuelles.
The second, third, fourth, and tenth clues are the absurd premises and quotes involved. Finally, the closing advisory that Ms. Fuelles’ stories should be taken with a “grain of salt” would, in the ordinary course of events, provide a strong hint that one might not want to believe the preceding text.
But here’s what happens when some people read only the headlines, not the stories—and forget that it’s April Fools Day. They get fooled. Or, more accurately, they manage to fool themselves.
And thus on this occasion more so than in past years our good friends at Pelham Town Hall took some irate phone calls from people who had only read the headline, clutched their pearls, and gotten all hyperventilated.
That said, some councillors—we won’t name names—quite enjoyed the tall tale, as did certain Town staff members. The key to a good April Fools story is an absurd premise written up relatively seriously—even if the quotes are often equally absurd.
So yes, a blanket 20 km/h speed limit on Pelham streets is absurd, but is it so nuts that it’s entirely beyond possibility? How about 30 km/h? How about 40 km/h? The absurdity lessens, but doesn’t vanish.
Anyway—and I found this interesting—the main gripe among the hoodwinked was the speed cameras. Yes, the dreaded “cash grab” bullcrap was angrily bandied about, again confirming that we humans can really revert to hypocrites when it comes to our own finances. Since when is the application of a fine for breaking a law a “cash grab”? If a big-rig trucker is caught doing 160 on the QEW, is the fine a “cash grab”? Is the corporation that’s fined $750,000 for selling tainted baby food also the victim of a “cash grab”?
It seems to me that the more likely someone believes that roadways and airports and law enforcement and prisons and hospitals and family doctors are all magically paid for by methods other than taxes and fines and fees—i.e., paid for by you and me—then the more likely they are to whine about “cash grabs” when they’ve just gotten a ticket for speeding through a school zone like an effing idiot. Because, folks, that’s where most of these speed cameras are located, school zones. Anyone speeding through a school zone ought to have their license suspended. They’re lucky to get off with a couple-hundred-dollar fine.
I say put those cameras everywhere. And maybe add noise detectors, too, for the antisocial yahoos with their deafening exhaust systems that bellow “Yeah, I know I’m a dirtbag, but I can still make you look at me if my car is loud enough.”
Take a deep breath now: Annoyed? Me? Only constantly. I trace the roots of my generalized pessimism back to the summer of 1973 and the daily broadcast of the US Senate’s Watergate investigation hearings. In our modern era of daily—hourly!— political scandals we’ve become desensitized to the depraved, so it may surprise any younger readers here that there was once a time that the dirty dealings of ol’ Tricky Dick Nixon really did shock the conscience, and really did have consequences for the S.O.B. That was the summer I was 13, and it was a useful lesson in the way the world really worked.
But our healthy lifestyle man John Swart says we need to learn how to chill, for our ultimate well-being, and he’s absolutely right. His column this week gives us some handy tips for rolling better with life’s punches, and trying to remain as positive as possible even in the face of some pretty unpleasant times now and on the horizon. If you haven't gotten to it yet, take a look.
Speaking of writers: As I mentioned last time, I’m happy to say that we are looking to add a reporter to the Niagara team, with primary responsibility being Pelham and Thorold. Decent salary and full benefits. Are you well-read, decently well-spoken, maybe retired and looking to stay active? Check out the job description here. As I have proven for some years now, it ain’t brain surgery, and you get to meet some great folks along the way.
Need a good DSLR? Our former main writer-man Don Rickers is in Niagara next week on a quick trip back from his new home in Belgium. I will do my best to convince him to stay—Don, seriously, how many waffles and sprouts can you take over there!—but I'm not holding my breath. For one thing, Don is looking to sell his semi-pro photography gear. This would be a DX D7100 Nikon camera with AF-S Nikkor 18-200 F 3.5-5.6 G ED lens (SWM vibration reduction), 24 MP sensor, under 50,000 shutter count, good condition. $300. If you're interested, let me know and I'll connect you with the expat himself.
Send us your eclipse photos! Planning a party in the backyard? A small gathering on the roof? Send us your eclipse event pictures—not necessarily of the eclipse itself, but selfies, group shots, maybe your confused dog or horse. You name it! Email them here, and look for them next Tuesday in our big wrap-up story, after all the madness is over.
It’s five o’clock somewhere: Absolutely no one got their knickers twisted about our little April Fools bonus, the famous Fonthill Whisky Oak, which ran as our Good Morning photo on April 1. Here it is again, in case you missed it. And with that, I'll see you next time.
