It’s hard not to notice that we live in a world of Good Vibes Only. Y’know, this ongoing directive to only express the bright side of life. What are we supposed to do with all our other vibes? I know it’s important to be positive, but this self-induced pressure to show up this way — always — is exhausting. Life is a full menu!
Sometimes I think all this compulsive happy-washing is just another clever way we avoid having to confront things like… regrets.
Sure, I’ve had a few. So has everyone. But we seldom talk about them as if by admission we’ve somehow failed at life. We rush to positivity as a way to quickly move passed it all.
If you’re someone who likes to proclaim No Regrets! can I just say… nobody’s that special. And for the rest of us who want to feel unfailingly normal, there’s Daniel Pink’s latest book, The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, where he reminds us that “the only people who don’t have regrets are 5-year-olds and sociopaths.”
I remember in the ‘90s (a.k.a. my hustle and strive days) watching those Personal Power infomercials by that giant motivational guru, Tony Robbins. He held the key to breaking through fear and mastering your emotions. Tony’s proven formula (his words) for success? “I just don’t believe in regret”, he said. His best-selling audio tapes promised that in just 30 days I could realize my dreams, get rich, and take control of all my tomorrows.
I regret believing that. Mostly because I see my life more like a mixtape of self-determination, circumstance, and what some people call luck. Since my Tony days, I’ve learned that sometimes circumstances dictate our choices. Sometimes other people make choices for us. We don’t always have agency. But where we do, we need to use it.
It’s impossible to imagine living a life without regrets. I'm always bumping into older versions of myself. Sometimes when I think about what things might have been like “if only”, I often find myself moving towards the comfort and consolation of “it could’ve been worse”. Not that silver-linings are bad, just further evidence that no amount of positive thinking (or a 30-day Personal Power program) can immunize us against feeling regretful at times. Sure, being a forward-looking person certainly has it’s advantages. I’m not one who lives in the past. But if I’m honest, I also know I’ve got some coping skills underneath my forward-looking mindset.
As author and academic Brené Brown likes to say, “Living a life without regrets is living a life without reflection.” Enthusiastic researchers know that regrets equal growth.
Now that I’ve left the daily grind, I like to spend time uncovering those stories I’ve told myself (you know, the ones I’ve made up about myself). Time travel is a superpower! I’ve discovered a much deeper understanding about the choices and decisions I’ve made. Not that I like to wallow in my negative feelings (although some days, I tell ya), but feelings are for thinking. Journalling about them or sharing them in a conversation is my way to de-claw them. (What can I say, it’s cheap therapy.) And while none of us can rewrite the past, we can rewrite our stories about it.
When it comes to regrets, there are lots of things I wish I hadn’t done, including those times where I may have blamed others, judged others, or said words I can't take back. Admittedly, I regret how I handled something just yesterday! But my biggest regrets are those times when I prioritized something for myself that was short-term or trivial over a person or a relationship in my life. I view it as a signal to act differently now.
So let’s finally call BS on Good Vibes Only!, 30-day fixes, and this “no regrets” philosophy. Ditch the always-look-forwards-never-look-back nonsense. Let’s go there! Don’t squander those regrets. Hold them up to the light and share them. They help us make sense of things. They also build affinity and connection with others.
Don’t believe me? Try it. Offer up a regret and what you’ve learned from it and see if the other person doesn’t offer up one of theirs.
You go first.
Until The Next.
