Really, this holiday needs a better name: It may surprise you, as it did me, that the notion of a Canadian civic holiday in early August dates as far back as the 1850s. After Confederation and into the 20th century it eventually spread to nearly every province and territory. The exceptions are Quebec, Yukon, and parts of Newfoundland. In almost all jurisdictions outside Ontario, the locals have managed to come up with at least a minimally more creative name than Ontario’s generic, “Civic Holiday.” It’s British Columbia Day in BC, New Brunswick Day in New Brunswick, Saskatchewan Day in Saskatchewan, Heritage Day (of course) in Alberta, Natal Day in Nova Scotia, and Terry Fox Day in Manitoba. We slackers in Ontario—plus Nunavut, and the Northwest Territories—are lazily content with the bland, No Name brand, “Civic” moniker. Local renaming exceptions abound, though, the most notable being Simcoe Day in Toronto. There’s George Hamilton Day in Hamilton (disappointingly for the city’s founder and not for the perpetually bronzed actor-slash-playboy; here’s a pop quiz: is George Hamilton still alive? Answer below). It’s Colonel By Day in Ottawa, for John By, who founded Bytown which later became Ottawa, and not (again a bit disappointingly) the first half of a phrase like, “...and Batman By Night.”
Why do so many Ontario businesses remain open on this glorious generic holiday? Because successive provincial governments have refused to declare it an official statutory holiday. While most levels of government bureaucracy and services observe the day (a happy exception being garbage pickup, which continues as scheduled today), there is no mention of it in Ontario’s Employment Standards Act nor the Retail Business Holidays Act. That said, generally speaking, the smaller the retailer perhaps the more generous the heart. Most local mom-and-pops are closed, while most chain stores, malls, cinemas, the LCBO, and franchise grocery and pharmacies remain open, because within the leadership of each corporate hive is a C. Montgomery Burns protege, who can’t pass up an opportunity to make an extra buck on the backs of non-union, often-minimum-wage workers. Viva la revolución, comrades, and pass the holiday BBQ sauce! (Monty Burns’ full name, by the way, is Charles Montgomery Plantagenet Schicklgruber Burns. The Schicklgruber part is particularly germane, to to speak, but I’ll leave that Googling to you.) And yes, George Hamilton remains alive at 83, splitting his time between Los Angeles and Palm Springs. A bonus tidbit should it come up at a Piper’s Trivia Night: Hamilton was close friends with Imelda Marcos, and, as reported by the L.A. Times in 1990, he was named as an unindicted co-conspirator in a federal fraud and racketeering case against the Marcoses involving the looting of Philippines government funds; Imelda was acquitted.
Have we run off the rails here? Back on track, such as it is, how about a Mini Puzzler. Well, not so much Puzzler as a Challenge. Municipalities are free to rename this August Civic Holiday whatever they please. So what should the Town of Pelham name it, starting next year? Send in your August Civic Holiday renaming nominations to [email protected]. A panel of three judges, who shall remain unidentified for their safety and sanity, will render their verdict. The winner may choose either a $10 Minor Bros. gift card or a $10 Sobeys South Pelham gift card. Deadline for entries is this coming Friday, Aug. 11, 5 PM. Come on, get those creative juices flowing!
When the 'Big Island' didn't mean the one on LOST: I was minding my own business on Saturday morning when BBC Radio 2, through a smart speaker in the kitchen, started playing what is surely one of the top television themes of all time, the opening music for the original Hawaii Five-O. Wait, what’s this. There are lyrics? Someone is singing to the Hawaii Five-O theme? Loading the dishwasher could wait. I hunched over the speaker like it was a staticky Edward R. Murrow bulletin live from Blitz-ravaged London. The singer sounded familiar. Surely not Dean Martin. Andy Williams maybe? I’m guessing that unless you already know this you’ll never guess. Yep, in 1976 Sammy Davis Jr., for reasons known only to him and the probably soon-after-fired marketing geniuses at 20th Century Records, included “You Can Count on Me,” set to the Hawaii Five-O theme, as a track on Davis’ album Song and Dance Man, now long out of print (possibly starting the month after its release). It’s an unsettling listen that cannot be unheard, so bear this in mind if you take the plunge. You’ll have the opportunity at the bottom of this page, so there’s plenty of time to weigh the consequences.
Over the years there have been only a handful of truly great television themes, music that I’ve enjoyed all the way through the opening titles every week, without feeling the urge to fast-forward (once that became possible). A top five or six? M*A*S*H, Cheers, The Rockford Files, Hawaii Five-O of course, and more recently The Sopranos and Peaky Blinders, both of which adapted existing songs (making them far better known than they would have been otherwise). Incredibly, there is a second version of the Hawaii Five-O theme set to lyrics, this one called “You Can Come with Me,” and sung by Don Ho, the 1960s Hawaiian lounge singer, whose most famous hit was “Tiny Bubbles,” a tune I haven’t heard in decades and don’t plan to ever again. The most popular instrumental version of the Hawaii Five-O theme was released in 1969, a year after the show debuted, by The Ventures, becoming one of their biggest hits, spending 14 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, peaking at number four in the US and number 5 in Canada. As I’ve written this, I’ve gotten up a few times to do different things around the house, quietly whistling the theme, which is easy even for a musical know-nothing like me. “You’re going to do that for the next three days, aren’t you,” my endlessly patient wife said, her tone signalling perhaps that her patience does in fact have a limit. All I could answer was, “Probably,” and, “Book ‘em, Danno.”
The road to Hell: While European and Australian regulators have had some luck getting social media giants to share profits they make from running news content on their platforms, the present Canadian government has stumbled. By now you likely know that Facebook, Instagram, and Google are systematically removing access to Canadian news content as a way to protest the federal government’s Bill C-18, which received royal assent in June and is set to come into effect later this year, requiring social media companies to pay news content providers such as PelhamToday. While well-intentioned, the bill appears to have been written by people who don’t actually understand how the internet works. That said, Facebook and Google’s response has been despicable. It’s one thing to block the Globe & Mail, The Welland Tribune, or PelhamToday from directly posting our news to social media. But blocking ordinary users from posting their own links to our news stories crosses the line into outright malevolence. That’s right. If you see a story about, say, an 8-year-old sports prodigy, and want to share it on your Facebook page for your friends to see, forget it. Facebook says it will block you from doing so, because you live in Canada and it’s Canadian news. There’s more. Want to share an interesting story from The Wall Street Journal or The Irish Times? Forget about that too. It’s news, and you’re Canadian, and you can’t share news links in Canada.
Not only can you not share links, Google says that you won’t be able to search for news, either. What’s that mean? Let’s say two months from now you want to find that story about the 8-year-old sports prodigy. Or you want to know what happened at the latest Pelham Town Council meeting. You go to Google it, but no results are returned. Why not? Because Google says it won’t provide any news search results to Canadians. Like I said, despicable. Given how much of our political and social awareness is shaped by social media today—itself an existential threat to democracy—to lose the voices of mainstream (i.e., fact-based) media will only lead to deeper divisions. We’re already in a “post-truth” era as it is. As of now, these companies are starting to carry through with their threats, gradually rolling out the censorship. If you want to ensure that you continue to see our news content and stay informed, you are best advised to subscribe to our free afternoon email, sent out seven days a week at 3 PM, listing that day’s stories with links to our website. No social media needed. Subscribe here. Don’t let a tiny handful of internet billionaire bastards cut off your awareness of what’s happening in the world simply because you have the otherwise good fortune of living in Canada. (Update: On Tuesday, Aug. 8, News Media Canada, the Canadian Association of Broadcasters, and CBC filed a request with the Competition Bureau to investigate Meta’s 'abuse of its dominant position.')
Up in Smoke: Phoena Holdings, aka CannTrust, and its stench are gone. The Fenwick cannabis operation that should never have been approved as-was by the previous mayor and his council has closed permanently. Now we hope for an appropriate, preferably agricultural use of the facility by a new owner...Thai one on: There’s a new Thai restaurant in town, or more accurately new ownership and management of an old Thai restaurant. The entirely redesigned and renamed Mango Tree Eatery, at the corner of Haist and Canboro, gets our thumbs-up. Two reliable tests of a Thai place are its Pad Thai and its Red Curry dishes. Both are very good here, and are better than the other Thai option in town, on Highway 20. But it won’t come cheap. Those two entrees set us back $35—even pricier when you consider it was take-out, without the relaxing break of table service. But that’s the post-Covid reality for all restaurants, including what were once the cheapest fast-food places. We wanted a quick take-out lunch the other day and ended up paying $25 at McDonalds for a couple of lukewarm burgers and a single medium fries. It’s nuts. At least at Mango Tree you’re receiving far more nutritious food, as close to homemade as it gets. Go for a little extra heat! See you next time.
Sammy Davis Jr., if you dare:
